Before internship
A week before internship, I feel very nervous and worry about myself. I worry how my life will be. I just cannot imagine how I am going to continue my life for the next three months of internship because the previous one month of pre-practicum has affect so much of my life. I almost totally change to another weakest person of mine as my spirits to live is only about 10%, my self-confidence become deteriorate and my interest towards everything that I love to do before seems fading. If only one month of practicum has affect the another 5 months of my life, then I wondered how much my life will be destroyed for being the practical school counsellor for 3 months. Deeply in my heart, I keep shouting”I do not want to be in school environment. “It is only after 5 months of practicum I am trying to pick up myself again from the floor and be myself again. However, after thinking about the coming internship, my heart pounding and my mood a bit swings. I told my friends earlier about my mood maybe will be swing and unstable during internship as an earlier explanation for them so that they will not misunderstood my unfriendly responds to them. I also discuss with my practical partner, Sister Raffeza about some of my bizarre behaviours such as suddenly I might be very quiet, seems in a bad mood or maybe suddenly crying if I were in school. I have to told my partner all these so that she will understand my situation. She also asked me what she must do when I were in such a situation. I told her that she just have to be at my side and hear my words. Therefore I symbolize the moment of a week before internship as a disaster. I draw a big wave, dinosaur that cause a chaos, sun burning, wrecked house, the collapse of tree and earthquake. All these natural disaster really reflect my feelings at the time before internship. One month of pre practicum before feels like my inner side have been tortured. Because of the 5 years of bitter moments that I have been through during my high school age, the scar in my heart seems to keep bleeding again whenever I entered the school gate. By bring myself into the high school environment, it evoke the bitter moment and face a lot of unexpected things during practicum make me feel like I am killing myself as I enter and back to the high school surroundings which was the very last thing I want in my life. Therefore, I imagined that my life during internship will be like a disaster. The day before internship, I told myself that I just leave it all to Allah S.W.T..I do not want to expect anything and set any high expectation of the school students and teachers. I just bring my mind to the moderate state and ask my mind to keep pause for a while from thinking anything about school. I just keep living until the first day of internship.
